And only one man, through the course of years and volumes of fact, dares to tell the truth to the public, so misguided, about this pair, their strife, and our hero's eventual triumph.
A metatextual dialogue on the works of Frank Miller. *g* Completely irreverent.
Act III: The Dark Knight Returns
Clark: *shows up at manor* Bruce, we need to talk...
Bruce: I know, let's go horseback riding!
Clark: Er, I'm not dressed for that.
Bruce: That's all right, I'm sure we can find you something.
Clark: *changes* It doesn't even fit! *struggles to button shirt, fails*
Bruce: *drools* Oh no, it's perfect. I'll get the picnic basket and blanket.
Clark: Blanket? *x-rays basket* Is that Astroglide in there? What?
Bruce: *glares* Shut up. Why do you have to ruin everything by talking?
Bruce: *punches* Years from now, in your most private moments...
Clark: *bleeds* Wait, what? Are you talking private time as in masturbation?
Bruce: *throttles* I want you to remember my hand around your neck...
Clark: *sputters* You are! You want me to jerk off to you!
Bruce: *kicks* I do not! You're just stupid! You sold us out, Clark.
Clark: Ow! Is this about Lois?
Bruce: *throttles again* She's dead to me!
Clark: *sighs* Is that why she's not in the book?
Bruce: *furious* Clark, this is our story, about how I'm the better man...
Clark: *bleeds more, punches back* This is idiotic, Bruce. We could have just done a movie, had coffee after...
Bruce: *more furious* Movie? See, that's why you're an idiot. My parents died in this very alley because of a damn movie!
Clark: *holds up hands* Okay, okay. Dinner then. Maybe a little dancing.
Bruce: *pauses* Dinner? You mean you would've...
Clark: Bruce, your heart...
Bruce: *has heart attack, dies*
Clark: Bruce! *cries*
Act I: Batman: Year One
Bruce: So Alfred, how do you like my costume? *twirls*
Alfred: Wonderful, Master Bruce. Just like our friend in Metropolis.
Bruce: *glares* He's not my friend. I don't even know the man.
Alfred: As you say, sir. But I'm sure the two of you will get on famously.
Bruce: *fumes* We will not. He's an idiot!
Alfred: *sighs* An idiot, if I may dare to remind you, who came up with this idea first?
Bruce: *sputters* He did not! All my years of training, preparing...
Alfred: *sighs again* Which I'm sure he's done as well.
Bruce: No way! He's just an alien with superpowers. I'm the one who's the pinnacle of human achievement.
Alfred: Which is quite dazzling, in a frightening way, sir. But I'm afraid, in the eyes of the public, he'll always be seen as first.
Bruce: *fumes* Go make a sandwich or something. *remembers manners* I'm sorry, Alfred. Please, could you make me a sandwich?
Alfred: As you wish, Master Bruce. *leaves cave*
Bruce: Stupid alien...
Act IV: The Dark Knight Strikes Again
Clark: *distraught, punches way into cave* Bruce, I need you!
Bruce: *crazy* Ha! I knew you'd come one day. I'm ready for you, Clark. Look, I brought friends.
Clark: *almost every superhero in the world takes a shot* OW! WTF?
Bruce: *puts on rock-em sock-em kryptonite gloves, punches repeatedly* This isn't personal, Clark. But am I ever enjoying it. Hee!
Clark: *bleeds everywhere* What do you mean not personal? Are you still ticked about the meadow? I had to leave. Get over it.
Bruce: *enraged, punches* I. Do. Not. Have. A. Hard-on. For. You. This is politics, plain and simple.
Clark: *sighs* Yeah, right. It was bad enough that you had me killing people as a government stooge. Now you have me working for Luthor? Enough's enough, Bruce.
Bruce: *froths at the mouth* I'm the hero! You must be belittled! And constantly abused!
Clark: Yeah, about that, I've been thinking about filing a domestic abuse report.
Bruce: *laughs maniacally* See? You're an idiot. There is no us, Clark. I'm just the better man. I'm a genius! And I am not gay!
Clark: *still bleeding* Then why do you keep doing this to me? It's a little hard to take, this obsession of yours.
Bruce: *leans down and whispers* It's all right, Clark. After this, you get to fly off and have eight pages of inexplicable sex with Diana. Don't say I never did anything for you. At least you get laid. No one else in this book does.
Clark: *flips ahead* That's crazy! Diana? Why? "Mountains shook and the earth moved." What? Where's Lois?
Bruce: *glares* Wonder Woman can have Superman, but Clark Kent belongs to me.
Clark: Aha! You are gay for me, even if I am fugly for no reason now.
Bruce: *wistful sigh* You were beautiful once, weren't you?
Clark: Gay! Although, I do have to say, you were pretty hot, back in the day. Now look at you.
Bruce: *fumes* Get out of my cave!
Act II: All-Star Batman and Robin
Dick: You. Live. In. A. Cave.
Bruce: Go eat a rat!
Dick: Ew! What is wrong with you?
Bruce: I'm a man! The Goddamn Batman! I eat rats for fun. Now, shoo! And go sew up a costume while you're at it. We'll fight crime together. Won't that be neat?
Dick: Why aren't you locked up? You got a Wii in here or something? Ipod?
Bruce: I'm trying to teach you something. How to survive this cold, cruel world. What's wrong with you?
Dick: Can't I just go upstairs? You're Bruce Wayne, aren't you? We're parked right under your house.
Bruce: *amazed* Figured it out? You're a detective, just like me! This is why we're meant to be partners.
Dick: *rolls eyes*
Bruce: Alfred, call that clown in Metropolis. Have him run and fetch the doctor.
Dick: What clown?
Bruce: Shut up. No one important.
Dick: That guy you keep staring at?
Bruce: Oh Kent, you have got the sweetest ass...
Dick: I can't believe you just said that out loud. Ew.
Bruce: *horrified* I did not!
Dick: *shrugs* So you're gay. Big deal. As long as you don't have a thing for kids, I'm cool.
Bruce: *macho poses, with stubble* I just dry-humped Black Canary. In the rain. She wears fishnets. You can't get any cooler or straighter than that. Besides, I screw Catwoman on a regular basis. Who's the man, huh? Who's the man? Say it!
Dick: *snorts* Whatever.
Bruce: *grimaces* Say it!
Dick: *rolls eyes* You're the man. Speaking of, you going to take care of that redhead or what? I think she's bleeding to death. Dude, she needs a hospital.
Bruce: What, are you dense? Are you retarded or something? I just put my monkey boy on it.
Dick: Your man-crush? What's he going to do?
Bruce: He's got superpowers! I just blackmailed the crap out of him! I know who he is and he has no clue who I am because I'm a genius and he's an idiot!
Dick: Are you twelve? That's no way to get a blowjob. Try flowers. Besides when he gets here, he'll know who you are.
Bruce: *cackles* No he won't. He's not smart like us, Dick.
Dick: He's Superman, right? *points to roof of cave* All he has to do is look up.
Bruce: Oh crap.
Bruce: *smooshes Superman and Wonder Woman action figures together* I hate men! Kiss me!
Dick: *munches Alfred-made burger* You are so twelve.
Bruce: But it's hot, right? The world's most powerful man and woman. *glares* And completely straight.
Dick: Making your own Superman porn is not straight.
Bruce: *smooshes dolls together again* The lightning, it strikes them both!
Dick: You want his ass, just say it.
Bruce: *throws dolls to cave floor, snarls* Why you little...
Dick: *polishes off burger* There's the closet. Open it.
Bruce: *furious* I'm not gay! You're the one who's gay!
Dick: *laughs* Dude, I'm twelve. How could you possibly know what I am?
Bruce: *hides book under some manila folders* I just do, okay?
Dick: Wait, is that the book? *grabs*
Bruce: Dick, no!
Dick: *flips pages*
Bruce: Goddammit! This is the prequel, we're not supposed to read the end.
Dick: *reads end, eyes wide* Oh Jesus, just kill me now.
Bruce: *growls* Believe me, I thought about it. I was stuck in the car with you for four issues, remember?
Dick: On second thought, when Superman gets here, I'll just go live with him, 'k?
Bruce: *appalled* You can't do that! You're supposed to worship my manliness!
Dick: He has a dog. And a mature relationship.
Bruce: I can get a dog. I like dogs. And that bitch? Like that's ever going to work.
Dick: Jealous much?
Bruce: He's an idiot!
Dick: He's Clark Kent, isn't he? Doesn't he write, you know, words for a living? And have a college degree? By the way, where's yours?
Bruce: *stomps* Mine is from the school of life, you little shit! I've traveled the world, trained with the best...
Dick: You're a dropout, huh?
Bruce: *fists of rage, spittle* Fuck off! I'm better than him! Better!
Dick: *munches a fry* Whatever.
Bruce: *sinister smile* Besides, he's enraged by my very existence. He hates my genius, my mystery, my darkness...Heh. Sunshine hero. Poster boy. What a crock.
Dick: WTF? Are you trying to piss him off? Wait, that's it! You want him to slam you up against a wall and...
Bruce: *eyes glaze over* All that power that no human can withstand. Except me...
Dick: Ha! You take it up the ass.
Bruce: *shakes lust haze* I've never...I'm the Goddamn Batman! I fuck people up, dispense justice. No one touches my ass. I kick ass! All cockroaches beneath my boot. All of them!
Dick: *backs away* You need some serious help.
Bruce: I'm the center of your world.
Clark: *arrives with doctor, looks up through roof* Heh, Bruce Wayne. Well, I'll be...
Bruce: You're an imbecile. *drools*
Clark: *baffled* Are you...? You know, I'm seeing someone.
Bruce: *leers* Is that why you go around kissing other women?
Clark: How did...? I have no clue what that was about, honestly.
Bruce: *ominous* I know everything, Kent.
Clark: Look, you're not a bad-looking guy but...
Bruce: *looms* Bad-looking? I'm hot as shit. Bad-ass and hot. I piss you off. I...
Clark: *crosses arms* Need to back away. Now.
Bruce: *looms closer* Make me.
Clark: *sighs* That's not what I'm about.
Bruce: *practically on him* You have no idea what I can do to you, Kent.
Clark: Only my editor calls me that. Look, if you're going to be that way, call me Clark.
Clark: Er, Bruce? Personal space, please.
Dick: Jesus! Get a room! I'm already scarred for life as it is.
Clark: *backs away, puts hand on Dick's shoulder* Look...Bruce...I'm taking the kid.
Dick: He tried to make me eat rats!
Clark: *appalled* That's child abuse! What's wrong with you?
Dick: That's what I've been saying. Can we go now?
Clark: *grins* Sure, we'll stop by IKEA, get you a bunk bed. How's that sound?
Dick: *rolls eyes* I'm not eight.
Clark: *confused* Oh. That's the other canon. I get them mixed up.
Bruce: *hand flail* See? He's an idiot! What did I tell you? Besides, he's staying with me and that's that.
Clark: I can't do that! I'll call child services.
Bruce: That's the way the story goes.
Clark: Why? It makes no sense.
Bruce: *frightening laugh* It's not supposed to make sense. I pwn everyone and the kid stays with me. You're just supposed to do what I say! Because I'm a genius. And I kick ass. The cool guy always wins.
Clark: You're insane!
Bruce: The world's insane, Clark. A cruel and evil place. Only I can make it work. I'll solve everything.
Clark: *raises eyebrow* Including your little *ahem* problem?
Bruce: Problem? I get laid all the time! Women throw themselves at me! I don't even need to open up the suit that's how virile I am.
Clark: And men?
Bruce: Disgusting perverts! I spit in their face. Evil.
Clark: *puzzled* You're homophobic? But you just came on to me...
Bruce: *blinks* I did not! I merely threatened you. That's not the same thing at all. You're a joke! A cardboard laugh-riot.
Clark: *nods* I've been better written. This is just painful.
Bruce: *hangs head* Jesus, so have I. *looks up* Remember when we were friends?
Clark: *puts hand on Bruce's shoulder* Yeah, good times.
Dick: Can we go now?
Clark: Sure. *leaves with Dick*
Bruce: He'll just be back by the next issue, Clark! Don't waste your...Idiot. *clenches gauntlet* You'll be back, Clark. I've got you now. *collapses in chair, broods*